On Sunday 25th August, my pet rabbit Phoebe passed away.  It was while I was at work, and I think more than anything else I was devastated that I wasn't there with her when it happened.  Phoebe was old by rabbit standards, I knew that day was coming but it definitely hasn't made it any easier.  I don't doubt that some people don't understand the attachment people get to their pets but hopefully I can explain what Phoebe meant to me which might help you understand why I'm so sad, and why my tweets have mainly been about how miserable I am.  I feel like I can't concentrate on other blog posts or anything in my life really until I just talk about it.  People might think this is a strange post, or over-sharing about my personal life, but if you've been reading my blog for a while you know that I'm not just a beauty/fashion/lifestyle blog.  Every so often I need to get my thoughts and feelings out - so that's what I'm doing.

I got Phoebe when I was 15 years old.  I'd just left school after having a tough time with bullying, and I was depressed.  I'm not going to skirt about that issue, because it's real and it happens.  The main reason that I was depressed was because I thought there was something wrong with me - I needed to think I was a bad person in order for the bullying to make sense but it didn't.  I was barely getting out of bed and was eating so much until I felt like I couldn't breathe (my own form of self torture I guess).  I felt like I needed a reason, I needed something to get me going again.  The idea struck me that if I had something to keep me busy I would have a purpose.  So I got Phoebe, a creature that needed care and love just as much as I did.  I had a reason to get up in the morning, I had someone else to feed, and to clean her cage, brush her fur, play with her.  She was exactly what I needed.  Phoebe was a house bunny, she lived inside, so it was very much like having a cat.  Although when she was little and still mischievous we had to lock her in her cage at night time - or really anytime you had to leave her for more than 30 seconds.  It wasn't only one time we caught her chewing her way through a tasty wire - thankfully there was never a serious accident with that.

The years and years went by, I got better and I got my life together (got my exams, went to uni etc).  Admittedly I spent less time with Phoebe, but I went from spending every waking moment with her, to looking after her and playing with her when I wasn't busy myself.  I don't think I would've got better at all without her.  It's only been in the past year and a half or so that we went from lovingly calling her 'Baby Bunny' to 'Wee Lady' because her fur had got rather grey.  She'd slowed down quite a lot, mellowed out and was quite content to lie on the living room rug in front of the TV or in her super comfy dog bed.  My mum and I would take turns to lay down with her and she'd snuggle in, or climb on our backs, or hop over our legs.  We'd sit and talk away to her while she wiggled her nose in response.  She was so spoiled, we always gave her lots of fruit and veggies (the kinds that rabbits are allowed to eat obviously).  I think she was happy.  I hope she was.  It wasn't until the Friday, a couple of days before she passed that my mum and I noticed a difference in her behavior.  She wasn't eating or drinking, hadn't been to the toilet and hadn't moved from her cage.  It had happened once before but she was better within a couple of hours that time.  We left her overnight to see if it would pass like before but in the morning she was the same.  We took her to the vet and she got some jags and a medicinal feed that had to be given through a syringe.  She had a gut disorder which is common in rabbits that are old.  The only comfort I can take is that apart from being old and having a condition that was due to her age, she was healthy.  She had healthy teeth, eyes, ears, fur and was a good weight.  I knew then that I'd done my bit in looking after her during her lifetime.  I spend the whole of Saturday with her, giving her her feed and water, lying on the floor beside her.  I didn't sleep at all that night, and I had work early the next morning.  I went in to see her in the living room and she was still so lethargic, but Mum was going to take over the care for me.  I texted mum every chance I could, but when she came to pick me up that night it was horrible devastating news.  I don't remember ever crying so hard, ever.  I got home and it feels like a blur.  I stroked her fur and cut her nails and cried.  I have this big empty space in my heart that was hers.  People wont understand feeling such a massive loss from a pet, and I know that.  But Phoebe was my little creature that gave me a reason.  I really miss her and I don't know where I would be in my life without her.

R.I.P Phoebe