Hello Lovelies!

This is a very personal post for me, and I would appreciate if any negative views could be kept to yourself, thank you.  I decided that I was going to open up a little bit to everyone today and talk about the problems I've had with my weight in the past and what contributed to these issues.

I went through a hard time in school and was bullied by a group of girls in my year.  They were pretty crafty, and only done it when no one else was there, or in classes I had that none of my friends were in.  I went through a lot of name calling and nastiness - such as them stealing my things or spitting on me or in my school bag.  I didn't tell anyone about it for a long time and it just really got me down, but I always tried to keep the false happy exterior towards my family and friends.  I'll be honest and say that I was a little embarrassed that I was letting these girls get to me, because in all honestly they were just pathetic and immature, singling me out because I always had got on well with everyone and had been pretty out-going.  Before it all happened I'd took part in school shows and was always talking to people, regardless of their social circle - I didn't really fit into a particular one myself managing to get on with everyone, except from these girls, who always had a scathing comment to say about anything I was doing.

I have a very 'blame myself for everything' personality, which is why I think it affected me so much.  Most of the time I was racking my brain wondering what I could've possibly done to these girls to make them hate me so much.  And through growing up and overcoming this point in my life, I have learned that I can't make every one be nice to me, even if I am nice to them.  There is always going to be someone somewhere that doesn't like the way you look, doesn't like what you have to say, thinks you're stupid etc.  It's just all about brushing these people off and focusing on the people that love you, whoever they may be.

I got really depressed and ended up getting drunk one night with a friend - and I was only 13.  It wasn't until I was at this complete low, drunk out my head and been caught by my mum that I told her everything that had been happening.  She was so supportive and basically took me out of school for a while and I got a lot of help and support from my school guidance teacher and support teachers - and they got me through my exams. I had to go on anti-depressants and have some counselling, which I am not ashamed to admit.  Needing help doesn't mean you're crazy.  The main thing that I learned from all of that is that, it's okay to ask for help, and that it's completely okay to admit you can't cope - there will always be someone there for you.  And also, looking back I know completely that these girls were nothing, which they still are and they picked on me because it was fun for them to tear me down.

I also don't think I could've got through any of it if it wasn't for my best friend, Laura.  She was there for me the entire time, she didn't judge me and she was so supportive.  She was always phoning me to chat and would come to my house to see me even though, most of the time I just didn't want to face anyone, I wasn't getting dressed most of the time either.  I think I spent 6months of my life in pyjamas eating hundreds of food!

Basically all I did was eat and I ballooned from 8 1/2 stones (119 pounds) and a size 8 (UK), to 13stones (182 pounds) and a size 16 (UK), in a really short period of time.  Which in all honesty didn't fully help how I was feeling.  My mum was good though, and helped me not to focus on that and helped me focus on getting myself mentally better.  Once I was better,  it was easier to eat less.  Anti-depressants can increase your appetite a lot, and for dinner I'd be able to eat a full 12" pizza and a box of chips - which sounds absolutely dreadful to me now.

I've had to hunt down a picture of myself at my biggest - I did a pretty good job at hiding from cameras at that point!  This was on my 16th birthday (I think).

After around my 17th birthday, was when I started to lose a bit of weight.  I didn't change my diet at all, I just ate less of my bad diet, and the weight started to come off.  By the time my leavers dance came around I was fitting in to size 14s and had lost about 1stone.  I was still looking pretty big, but being 5ft 1in that is was still a LOT of extra weight to be carrying.

I kind of lost track of my weight loss for a while, but I had definitely lost more by the time I started uni that September.  And by my 18th birthday I was a size 12 and was down to around 11stones.

After that I didn't make a whole lot of progress for a long time.  But having turned 18 I was going out more and was drinking extra calories and having chips at the end of the night.  I did however get down to 10 1/2 stone and this is where I stayed for just under 2 years.  I was still 10 1/2 at my most recent birthday which was my 20th in February.  I was happy with this weight for a long time because it was such a difference to where I'd been before.  And everyone including myself had just gotten used to me being that size.  I was curvy and loved it and even though I was still overweight for my height, I was carrying it in the right places for the most part.  I had a waist, and carrying weight around your middle is the most dangerous for your health so I wasn't too concerned at this point.

It was only very recently that I decided I was ready to work towards a better, healthier weight and BMI.  For the most part, the weight loss before getting to 10 1/2 stone didn't require too much effort on my part.  But this is where the hard work came in!  I started on Weight Watchers a few months ago which has been very easy to follow, and as you don't have to deny yourself anything it suited me well.  I have lost 22 pounds since then and am now 9stones and can wear a size 8-10 which is exactly where I wanted to be.   I will never be completely happy with my body, but who is? I have a lot of stretch marks from the weight I gained in such a short period of time - but I'm not ashamed of them, they're my badge of honour for getting through a hard time in my life, and now that I've lost the weight they are less noticeable anyway.  And in total I have lost 4 stone, which is definitely something to be proud of!

So this is me now!  I'm where I want to be weight wise, and life wise.  I am happy now, I'm surrounded by great family and friends and there isn't anything else I could ask for at this point in my life.  I've discovered through all of the ups and downs that happiness is the key to having a good and healthy life and that is achieved by surrounding yourself with the people who make you happiest.

If you have managed to persevere through this MASSIVE post I salute you.  And if you're having hard times in your life, remember that things do get better, no matter how ridiculous that advice seems when you're going through it.  Thank you so much.